3/26/18 -- 11:26 AM
I don't know why I've started writing again. I didn't enjoy it last time. I
recently read what I wrote, and it scared me. A lot. I let Maddie read it. She's
the only one who's seen it. She has yet to say anything about it.
I find it very difficult to convert the things I am feeling and thinking about
into words. I'm never sure how the sentences are supposed to look.
I've started telling Halle more and more about me. It's a bit nerve wracking,
honestly. There is nobody left in my life who personally knows what happened to
me my freshman and sophomore years of college. Those who are around only saw the
aftermath, and very few saw the immediate aftermath. Maddie was one of them.
Tony called me at 4:00 AM.
He tried to kill himself.
Hanna called me while she was killing herself.
At least he waited?
Progress.
What is it about me that makes people call on me when they're at the end of
their rope?
I'm worried everyday I'll pull something like they did. It would be so easy.
I think I did try to kill myself multiple times. Drinking to the excess I did?
Does anybody come back from blowing a .38 the same?
I don't think I've been the same since that night.
I started smoking 4 years ago. That was my kind of suicide. Just passive enough
that nobody would notice. Chalk it up to addiction.
I'm trying to get better, at least.
Let's hope Lansing doesn't kill me first.
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