4/17/18 -- 1:20 AM
I'm so tired.
So fucking tired.
I'm tired of putting my energy into people and things that don't want it.
Don't need it.
I want to have more friends. I want to be more social. But how can I be friends
with people when the only times we interact is in the time I imagine us spending
together?
Life has only gotten more tiring as the years drift by. it takes so much more
for me to exist than it did ten years ago. I don't understand why that is.
Why am I so fucking tired.
I can't sleep.
Maybe that's why I'm so tired.
I carry around all this tension and I just can't let it go.
Lead weights around my ankles and wrists, composed of all the things I wish I'd
said, wish I'd done, wish I'd been.
Wish I hadn't said
hadn't done
hadn't been.
Maybe that's why I'm so tired.
Is this what regret feels like?
I think part of my problem is my refusal to accept what things are.
I don't mean that like I'm not fine with things; I'm very laid back, very "let
it be".
I mean that I don't really think about things enough to care about them.
Until I do.
"Live life without regrets"
I'm not certain that I do anymore.
"Be happy with yourself"
I don't think I've looked at myself the same way I used to in the mirror
since 2012.
I think I would feel so much better if I just had someone to hold while we fell
asleep.
But would I?
Because I've felt this way for so long.
Falling asleep next to someone has never taken these weights off.
I don't know what I'm searching for.
I don't even know that I'm looking.
I've been holding so many tears, and I don't know why. Why do I want to cry so
badly? It isn't about Elise.
Is it still about Julie?
I swear to god.
I do not like love.
Why am I so bad at it?
Why do I piss away all the good things?
How can I hold onto happiness when I can't lift my arms.
I'm so tired.
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