4/19/18 -- 3:40 PM
Today is my day off.
I feel very stressed and anxious.
I have an arraignment date set for next week.
On my next day off.
Very stressful.
How will my life change, I wonder? Nothing is actually going to happen then;
after that my lawyer actually gets to do things. Hopefully he's good at what
he does.
I should just ask Bella if she wants to go get dinner. Do something. But I don't
want a relationship right now.
"Hey, do you want to get dinner and then awkwardly have sex and then just be
casual about this whole new thing we have? Also I'll develop some sort of
unhealthy codependence towards you that is totally unwarranted considering what
I've said of our relationship and it will leave us both very confused until you
deicde to stop talkign to me and I get to start this whole cycle over with
someone else.
But yeah, so dinner?"
Yeah, that would probably work.
---
What am I going to do over the Summer? Everybody's gonna be gone??!! Gonna have
to figure something out I guess. It's gonna be a very lonely season.
I just spent about an hour reading about the integral test so I could write up
an explanation of a problem to a student. I think I've gone into the wrong
field. I miss the MLC. That job was incredible. Never before have I felt so
competent. And now here I am, feeling like a moron, lost and confused.
Fucking sick, yo.
At least this job gives me something to do. It punctuates the empty space in my
day. Yet I still feel like I have a lot of free time. It's weird.
I definitely feel less busy, less rushed, than when I was a student. But I
worked way shorter shifts at a time then. And the same total hours as I do now.
Is it a change in perspective?
What has shifted?
I don't feel like I fit anywhere right now.
Like I'm a stranger in my own life.
To be fair, I've felt this way for a long time.
It's just hitting me a lot harder lately, I guess?
I wish I knew what other people were thinking. But like, about me. I feel like
the people I work with now don't like me, that they're faking nice.
Would I want to know?
I don't think this is social anxiety. I don't really care what they think... I
just want to know, for the sake of knowing?
That sounds impossible.
Also like philosophical hair splitting.
But at least I'm using my degree?
It's now 7 o'clock. I've been writing these musings on and off for three and a
half hours. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Have I written a lot? Or not
much at all.
Hard to tell.
At this point, I still can't vocalize how I'm feeling. All I can come up with is
just pages of shouting.
Would that be helpful?
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