4/23/18 -- 4:21 PM
What do I do about the way I feel?
{ I think it's best that I lay out a theme to talk }
{ about first so I can stay on track }
I think I might understand how Wellbutrin effects me. It isn't that I'm not
sad - I don't think that's possible - it's that I can be divorced from those
feelings, I can see them clearly, I recognize them, and I have the power to step
away from them. They don't dominate me anymore.
I like that change. it's better than burying them for a long time only for those
feelings to explode horribly, and it's absolutely better than being dominated
and controlled by them.
Gotta make sure I get it refilled tomorrow.
Since my sanity no longer stands or falls with my sadness, I can try to figure
out what it is I'm sad about and not be overwhelmed by it.
So then what -exactly- is making me sad?
Question's got me at a loss for words.
I'm sad about my past, I suppose. I'm upset about the things I've done, I'm
angry about how I don't seem to have really changed. I'm mortified that I won't
be able to, if only because I'll never find out how to.
I want to understand why I am so much more sexual when I drink. Or am I just
more confident, more _aggressive_ when I drink?
I definitely am more forward, dominating, commanding when I drink. And I'm not
sure how I feel about that.
I don't want to have to drink to be interesting.
I cried when I was talking to Dylan.
Well, I say I cried. A lot of tears welled up, but they went away. Nothing fell.
He was talking about how this girl made him feel pure; unadulterated, his "most
base self".
I've said the same thing of Hanna. I know the feeling well.
I'm intentionally avoiding writing about something {Kennedy} and that really
bothers me.
Should I force myself to write about it?
Maybe later.
I'm going to take a break.
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