12/5/19
McKenzie,
So, you resent me. Sick. I love that.
My mind is racing, has been racing, for the last two months.
I'm not certain how to make you be in love.
_BUT_
that's the thing, though, isn't it?
I shouldn't make you.
That's why they call it falling, not pushing.
Why did you love me?
What was it that made you fall in love with me?
You said you want me. You being in love is not caring about the consequences
of not doing your work. Knowing it's the perhaps less optimal decision, and
doing it anyway.
What was it about me before that made that true for you then?
Because it isn't clear to me totally what did it. A lot changed. All at
once.
I'm still super torn up over everything that's gone on.
I think, based on the way you've mentioned looking elsewhere, thinking wistfully
about Mitch, that you did cheat on me with Matias. I don't think it can't not be
that. It can be other stuff too, but also that.
I'm not sure what to do with that determination.
I'm not super interested in excuses, rationalizations, "I-told-you's",
"it-wasn'ts", or "I'm sorrys".
It hurts. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.
October was a hard month.
For your birthday, I brought you a promise ring.
For my birthday, you brought me heartache.
That's cool.
Anger, hatred, anxiety, confusion, sadness, and resentment are not worth my
fucking time.
Certainly they are valid feelings, and it's important to recognize them. But
I've been here before. I don't need this shit. I recognize these feelings, I
appreciate the depth they offer to my existence, and I'm turning my back on
them.
Onward and upward.
So what are we gonna do about it?
I can be a realist. I _AM_ a realist. The optimism is a cover for the abject
horror I experience in the face of obstacles.
What are we gonna do about it?
All the necessary and sufficient conditions are in place for us to be able to
figure this out.
I won't make you love me, but I'm gonna make you hate deciding not to.
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